Who Is This Person Looking Back At Me?

I look in the mirror and I think who is that? Where Did THAT person come from? I type this and tears well up in my eyes. I hate what I see. I remember a pretty girl, where did she go? In a way it seems like yesterday when I was that girl.But it has been years. 10 almost. When I look in the mirror I see a worn fat lady. One that is growing older, one that no one would take a second glance at except for maybe to say she needs to lose weight. I am embarrassed. I am ashamed. I hate seeing relatives, I feel they are all whispering behind my back "My God what has she done to herself?? I feel like I let my family down. I want Brandon to be proud of his wife. I want to be pretty for him. I want to live for my kids. I want to have energy to chase and play with them. This mommy is tired all of the time. I don't want my kids to be ashamed for me to show up at their school. And most of all I want to see them get married and have families of their own
You would think with all this shame I feel I could get it together. I WANT to look good so why do I keep eating? As far back as I can remember I have fought the weight battle. I was a fat kid but then thinned out in high school, still thinking I was fat. I was crazy. I started really picking weight up after my marriage to my first husband was beginning to unravel. I ran to food for comfort. I love the comfort I feel from it for a few moments. Then its gone and I go back to it. It's like a drug. I feel like it is a friend in that moment but know in my heart Food is my enemy. I must do something. I must get rid of this weight but how, how can I do it? I fail every time and failing is not something I like at all.