Worn Out, Stressed, But So Very Thankful

Today was a very long day. It has not ended yet for me seeing as how it is midnight and my beautiful son is refusing to sleep. I need a few "me" minutes. Maybe in a bit he will drift off. Yesterday I was really noticing my little girl being fussy and tugging her ear. Not knowing if her ear infection was back I called her pediatrician to see if I could get us in, well it takes an act of congress to get in that place or some sort of special code if u need to get worked in. Needless to say we had no code and were not worked in and had to make a trip to urgent care. I dread that place but not wanting my baby to suffer, If she did indeed have an ear infection I packed up both kids which was a workout in itself. Skylar wanted to scream the whole time I was getting ready and Jordan was running around like a chicken with his head cut off, well we made it there and the wait was not long, thank the Lord but it was so terrifying to Skylar and she screamed bloody murder and literally took 3 of us to hold her down. Turns out she just had some really bad wax build up inside and they flushed it out. Jordan was being Jordan and driving me batty. I tell u that boy is so cute but so darn mischievous. Anyway we made it out of there and I was already tired. Well we went to visit Grandma after and I think Grandma must have been worn out after the first hour but we stayed a total of 4 hours. It helped pass our afternoon since Brandon was in Richmond at a meeting until late but poor Grandma LOL. Anyway I stopped and picked fast food up on the way home and met Brandon at home. Jordan has proceeded to run around like a hyper 2 year old all night we must have paused American Idol 30 times because he was so wild and we couldn't hear and watch it. It took us forever to finish it. I can say my eating today has been a success. I made good choices for lunch while we were out and for dinner I didn't make the best choice but ate a reasonable amount and did not over eat. So all in all I am very proud today. I made a decision to find a primary care physician and see about my options for weight loss. I need to find a good one though, one who is not a jerk. I have had one too many dr.'s say rude remarks about my weight and not be understanding. So we will see how it goes.

I am looking over at my son and he is out for the count, FINALLY. He is so beautiful and I love to watch him sleep. Tonight I was so tired and frustrated. I seem to be so hard on myself when I am frustrated with the kids. They are my gifts from God and I feel bad when I am not the most patient. I think in my mind "How could u fuss at him when one day before u were mourning the loss of a child and he is here with u, be thankful. I wonder if other mommy's who have lost babies have this guilt trip in their mind after not being patient with their kids. Sometimes I even feel guilty for disciplining him.
I was rocking my Skylar to sleep tonight she must have known Mommy needed to hold her because usually she will have none of that, she wants her bed and that's that. I was singing to her and the tears welled up in my eyes. After she was asleep peaceful in my arms I asked God to forgive this mommy for not being as patient as I could have been today with them and I tell him thank u so much for giving me the opportunity to be their mommy. He handpicked these babies for me. I was thinking of a song tonight called "To Get Me To You" it says

Well I, I still can remember times
When the night seemed to surround me
I was sure the sun would never shine on me
And I, I thought it my destiny
To walk this world alone
But now you're here with me
Now you're here with me

And I don't regret the rain
Or the nights I felt the pain
Or the tears I had to cry
Some of those times along the way
Every road I had to take
Every time my heart would break
It was just something that I had to get through
To get me to you
To get me to you

This is what I sang to my baby girl tonight rocking her remembering the painful nights and tears rolling down my cheeks as I cried alone in my bed wondering how God could let my angel babies leave me. I know it was all in his plan now as I sit here looking at this beautiful boy and knowing I have a precious girl lying in the next room in her crib. My prayer tonight is this...Tomorrow God I will try harder to be patient with this challenging little bundle of 2 year old energy u have given me. I want to be the best mommy I can be, Help me to pray when I need encouragement or when I am lonely and exhausted from Brandon working these long hours. Give me your grace and strength and help me to always remember what blessings these little ones are.

Goodnight my son, my precious boy.......